Are you struggling in a marriage or committed relationship? Are you separated and considering getting back together again? Did you discover your wife was having an affair and feel confused about what to do? Most people desire a relationship that will last forever. You may have left (divorced) one or more relationships in the past thinking it was the "wrong person" for you, only to find yourself in another unhappy relationship. You don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again. Many couples often call for help after one or both have mentioned the big "D" word, divorce, waiting far too long, and suffering needlessly.

Remember: "Insanity is doing the same thing over
and over again and expecting different results."
Rita Mae Brown

    Research Proves Counseling does Help! With divorce rates at 50% and higher in remarried couples, we face the most severe challenges to relationship stability ever. Research shows that on the average, couples wait six years from the first signs of a problem before they seek help. In a recent study according to the Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, after receiving treatment, almost 90/% of clients report an improvement in their emotional health, and nearly two-thirds report an improvement in their overall physical health. A majority of clients report an improvement in their functioning at work, and over three-fourths of those receiving marital/couples or family therapy report an improvement in the couple relationship.

Brief, dynamic, solution-focused counseling helps!

    What is Couple or Marriage Counseling? Couple counseling looks at both the extreme patterns of interaction between the couple that create the problem that brings them in for counseling. The therapist also looks at the environmental stressors and the developmental stages in their life, such as, children, jobs, family, retirement, deaths, financial, etc.

    The Role of the Therapist? The therapist acts as a compassionate and observing guide who collaborates with them to identify the extreme parts inside each of them that create the presenting problem(s). If the couple agree with the therapists' observation, goals are set for each of them to work on their own parts, not on each other's. For instance, a wife may be acting like her husband's mother (telling him what to do), not like a wife . . .and her husband may be re-acting like a little boy, not a husband (temper tantrums, drinking, staying out late). Both are reacting to the other. One does not cause the other. The therapist creates safe space for the couple to risk new ways of relating to each other, expressing feelings, thoughts and behaviors and exploring new possibilities and solutions to their problem. Counseling may involve a combination of individual sessions to work on their individual issues, as well as couple sessions to improve communication patterns and find solutions.

    How Long Does It Take? Marriage Counseling is usually brief (12-15 sessions), solution-focused, specific, with attainable therapeutic goals, and designed with the "end in mind".

    What does a happy marriage look like? Our individual dreams about our relationship and "what happiness looks like" are often different. Some dreams are tangible, like wanting a career, children, etc., others may be more intangible, like romance, love consideration, trust. Still other dreams may be unrealistic because times have changed, myths inherent in remarriage, use of marijuana or alcohol, etc. Often, dreams evolve . . . what we dream of at 20 is not what we dream of at 30, 40 or 50.

    When conflict escalates, couples may dig their heels in, often in opposition to their partner's dream. They may even involve family, friends, and even the children into their conflict. In an unhappy marriage, partners will often try to manipulate the other into giving up their dream, rather than supporting it. In a happy marriage partners have learned to incorporate each other's individual dreams into their marital goals/plans. This isn't an easy task, none-the-less, it is a necessary one, if the relationship is to succeed.

    Sometimes, in emotionally or physically abusive relationships, we have to learn when to let go and grieve the relationship. Hopefully, you have tried several counselors and both individual and couple counseling, as well as support groups, such as, AA and Alanon. The worst thing to do is to use avoidance rather than confronting and discussing your feelings. If you can’t confront without the risk of physical or emotional abuse, separation may be the best decision. It often motivates the abuser to work on their issues. It is possible to still love your partner and not be able to live together. And don’t move back too soon because of their pleading.

    Forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself, if you feel you have exhausted all means and things continue to worsen. Sometimes the harder we try, the worse things get. If your partner refuses to change, and you cannot accept them and love them the way they are, ask for a separation first while continuing to work on the relationship and on your own issues of co-dependency. Learn when to let go and when to move on. Marriage is not easy, it’s a difficult path and many fail (50%). Remarriage can be even more difficult if children are involved. Prior to any subsequent marriage or cohabitation, consider taking the PREPARE/ENRICH PROGRAM a highly valid and reliable couple evaluation tool discussed under the above heading Marital & Premarital Enrichment.

Recommended Books:

The 9 Types of Lovers, Daphne Rose Kingma

Love’s Journey: The Seasons and Stages of Relationship, Michael Gurian

Divorce Busting, A Revolutionary and Rapid Program for Staying
           Together, Michelle Weiner-Davis

Getting all the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

After the Affair, Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Mira Kirshenbaum

The Verbally Abusive Relationship, How to recognize it and how to
          respond to it, Patricia Evans.

Marriage Magazine 1-800-MARRIAGE (1-800-627-74254)

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630-924-0600

A Family Counselor Marriage and Family Counseling from GLORY JORDAN LCSW, DCSW, CHT Director and Licensed Clinical Social Worker Board Certified Diplomate